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A lot of people want to help survivors but don’t know how. That’s why we wanted to show you some ways you can help a survivor if they open up to you about their trauma.
The TALK method
The TALK method helps you in appropriately reacting to someone telling you about their experience of abuse or sexual violence. It is very simple: Thank them for telling you and trusting you, Ask them how you can help them, Listen without judgment & Keep supporting them. That last one is essential, because many survivors lose steady support after a while because they may seem to have moved on, but healing from traumatic events takes time.
Your reaction matters
It is important to not discredit a survivor and be open to them sharing what they went through. You might know the survivor as a person that is lying a lot, but that doesn’t make it okay to not believe them and also treat them like you don’t believe them. One, because there is always a big chance their experience is true and you might be traumatizing them. Two, because even people lying about topics like this need help and compassion, because lies this big don’t come from someone without trauma. It is important to note that the percentage of fake reports for abuse and sexual violence are about the same as fake reports for murder, so you should always eer on the side of believing a survivor. That doesn’t mean you have to dehumanize the accused perpetrator in any way, they also need help no matter if they did it or were wrongfully accused. Bottom line: Everyone deserves help and understanding in these situations, even if you are outraged at their actions.
In case of emergency…
If a survivor tells you about an incident very close to when it actually happened you can encourage them to report their abuser. In cases of physical abuse and sexual violence doctors at especially clinics/hospitals are trained to take evidence and advise survivors on their options for help and reporting. If a survivor doesn’t want to report, please accept that as well, since reporting violence and abuse can be re-traumatizing and taxing on a survivor. In cases of sexual violence it is still advisable to go to a clinic since they can help with resources like Plan B or a referal to an emergency therapy session.
Be there for them
Being there for a trauma survivor is essentially not much different from being there for someone grieving the loss of a loved one. Trauma comes with an immense amount of grieving and questioning one’s own reality. That’s why it is so important to be there for survivors especially when they have bad days. It definitely isn’t easy to be there for someone going through the after effects of trauma, but it is harder for them to go through it alone. Try to just sit with them and their pain, offer hugs and an ear, maybe bring them food or anything else they might need. Small acts of support won’t go unnoticed and are probably one of the most important ways you can help a survivor.
Trauma affects trust
Trauma makes a survivor question the world around them and themselves. Trusting themselves can become hard because their body and/or mind has been violated. Trusting others can be hard because often abuse and violence comes from someone they trusted. One affects the other and that is why survivors can have a hard time coming out of their shell. Vulnerability is difficult for them and it can seem like they push you away, but that is not because they hate you. That is because they need help and need to heal.
You don’t need to know details to be supportive
This is an important thing to remember. No survivor owes you the details of their trauma. Sharing details of trauma can be retraumatizing to a survivor. If someone tells you in any capacity that they’ve been through their personal hell and feel the consequences of that, just be there for them without judgment. Not every victim of domestic violence wants to share their story, they just want support. Not every victim of sexual violence wants to revisit what they went through, because amnesia caused by trauma might make them feel like a fraud. Just extend support and make someone feel less dehumanized.
Needs & boundaries might be all over the place
Someone’s needs and boundaries can be very inconsistent when they have been through trauma, especially when that traumatic event was recently or has recently resurfaced. This can mean that they might entirely isolate one week and want as much of your attention as possible another week. It could also mean that they might need help with something they asked you to help with most days and entirely want to do it alone on others. They are trying to survive, figure out their world and figure out themselves again. Try to extend as much grace as possible and set your own boundaries with them when needed, especially if they get toxic when triggered.
Learn more about trauma
Start educating yourself about how to spot when someone is triggered. Learn how to effectively communicate with a survivor. Read up on what trauma does to someone’s nervous system and how a dysregulated nervous system can wreck someone’s health. This, once again, will not only expand your ability for compassion towards the survivor, but to an extent also towards the perpetrator, because you’ll learn how mentally unstable someone has to be to create pain like that in others. Understanding traumatic stress, PTSD & CPTSD will open your eyes to a lot of problems and you will think of even more ways you can help a survivor with that knowledge. A very in-depth and popular book in this area is “The Body Keeps The Score” by Bessel van der Kolk.
Take care of yourself
While being there for a survivor and helping them is important, it is also essential to keep yourself safe and healthy. Pouring from an empty cup is gonna hurt you in the end and would mean you can’t extend as much support to a survivor. Learning which forms of self care are essential to you is key to being good at community care.
We hope this article full of ways to help a survivor helped you with being a better support to the survivors in your life. If you want us to expand more on any of these points, let us know!
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