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One of the most popular posts on our Instagram account is our mini guide to pronouns. This is why we wanted to expand on that post and make a guide to pronouns on our Safe Space blog today.
What are pronouns?
Pronouns are short words that people use instead of a name to refer to someone. The most common pronouns used in this context are she/her and he/him, but the gender-neutral they/them is also very commonly used when talking about an unknown person. There are less commonly used pronouns beyond that (ex: ze/zir) and also neopronouns.
What pronouns exist?
Here is a non-exhaustive list of the most common ones:
They are not new
Even the more rarely used pronouns that are usually used by genderqueer people are not very new. Ze/Zir can be traced back all the way to 1864, for example. Pronouns have always been very fluid and experimental. They change and transform just like any other part of language. Popular media is also adding to this transformation as well as adding new pronouns to it. From newspapers in the last century, all the way to shows and books in this century.
Gender Identity vs Gender Expression
Pronouns do not have to be tied to how someone identifies their gender. They are a part of gender expression, but gender expression doesn’t have to be tied to gender identity. This means that someone that identifies as non-binary and dresses masculine might still strictly go by she/her or that someone that is a cisgender woman might go by they/them. One thing is someone’s gender, the other one is the way they express themselves. A gender identity would be non-binary, a gender expression can be dressing masculine and going by neopronouns.
You don’t need to be queer for these
As mentioned in the last part, cisgender people can also use different pronouns if that is how they feel the most comfortable. It has become increasingly common for cisgender people to go by she/they or he/they pronouns. Some because they want them to be used interchangeably on them, others because they don’t care if they are referred to neutrally and want to help normalize it.
How to use sets of pronouns?
A lot of people are confused about how to refer to people that use two or more different pronouns. That’s what a guide for pronouns is for, because it’s actually quite easy. You use them interchangeably, so “She’s so pretty, I hope to see them again soon.” for she/they. We recommend asking the person if they prefer one pronoun over the other, if they want them used interchangeably and if they even care about how they are referred to.
How to ask for someone’s pronouns
Just ask them, preferably one-on-one. Asking for pronouns is a normal and respectful thing to do. Anyone that gets upset at being asked about their pronouns is not reflecting the majority of the LGBTQ+ community. While you will find many people in the community not sweating the mistakes in the daily use of pronouns, most of them won’t mind being asked, even if they use the pronouns connected to their gender assigned at birth.
If you mess up someone’s pronouns
Apologize in a short and quick manner and correct yourself. Don’t make a big show out of it, it happens. We know the online shame culture makes it look like there is some capital punishment for accidental misgendering, but it is human to mess up. This can look like “I love his music…sorry, their music.” or if you notice after a conversation you can say “I’m sorry, I unintentionally used the wrong pronouns.”
The gender-neutral they/them
If you are unsure of someone’s pronouns or you are a little confused still about when to use what, we encourage you to go with the gender-neutral they/them. It’s rare that someone will feel disrespected when they are called this. This is used all the time to refer to strangers, so using it for someone you know is easier to learn. “Who left their sunglasses here? I hope they come and get them.” “Bia is super nice, you should meet them!” “What’s their phone number?”
Complicated pronouns? Ask!
Some people use really rare and uncommon pronouns and nounself pronouns. Using those can be difficult if you are new to them. Most people using them are very open to explaining how to apply them to you. As you can tell, the answer to many questions is to just ask the individual. Genderqueer people are often dismissed as snowflakes, but unless you are in the toxic corners of the internet most are open to helping you and won’t judge you for simple questions. While we do think some things can be googled, pronouns are so personal that asking someone about theirs makes the most sense when you want to learn more about them.
This was a little guide to pronouns from us. We know this is only covering the basics, so feel free to comment if you have further questions, but remember to stay respectful. If you wanna learn more about being a good ally we recommend our recent post about it.
