How to be a good ally

We’re always asking for more allyship or better allyship and many people don’t really know what good allyship actually looks like. That’s why we decided to write you a guide for how to be a good ally.

It’s okay to start small

There are many small ways to show up as an ally that can be powerful:

• regular check-ins per messages or calls
• ordering them something small that helps with their stress or ordering them food
• listening to them vent when they need it
• re-posting their art and them speaking out on your profiles
• following pages about social issues and mindfully reading what they post
• reading an article a week about a social issue
• watching a video series about sociology (we recommend “Crash Course” on Youtube)
• openly putting yourself into someone’s corner when they speak out publicly
• bringing social issues up in your friend circle and correcting wrong assumptions
• learning to be an active bystander

Process the discomfort

If you are an ally you will hear the reality of people of a minority more often than not. Often the truth is that they are unwell or you will hear stories about the discrimination they went through or still face.
These things cause discomfort in you as the listener and can make you start avoiding allyship. To prevent this it is important to figure out what your threshold for these conversations is and how to process these feelings.
You might only be able to be there for someone this deeply 1-2 a month and have to say “I’m currently unwell, but if I can help you otherwise please let me know.”
Processing feelings is often done through breathing exercises, journaling and talking about it with others.

How to really listen

It is important not to upset or dismiss people when they are vulnerable with you about their experiences. Venting is important to especially minority groups that are stuck in social issues that they cannot simply change alone. Being able to talk about how it affects them and being listened to is a form of emotional co-regulation. If you can hold that space for them, that goes a long way.

How to be a good listener:

• Listen without judgment
• No distractions (including your phone)
• Have the intent to learn from the convo
• Ask questions & don’t dismiss worries
• Think before responding!
• Don’t explain things back to someone
• Ask if they only needed you to listen or also give advice

How to boost marginalized voices

Don’t worry, you don’t have to turn into a hardcore activist that reposts all kinds of voices all day everyday to make a difference.
Boosting minority voices can start with simply making it a point to always like, comment, save and potentially share content of people speaking about their experiences. Social media reach goes a long way and is next to no work for you.
Another big way to go about boosting these voices is to collaborate with them in some way that makes sense or making it a point to include them in your friend group. Especially in this community it isn’t rare for people to leave because nobody makes them feel welcomed.

Setting allyship goals

If setting goals holds you accountable to practicing allyship, then you should absolutely go that route.

Allyship goals can look like:

• Check in with xy, yz & xz every 2 weeks
• Highlight someone underrepresented on my profile x times a month
• Using my platform to speak out with and for minorities with x frequency
• Read an article on xyz every Sunday
• Venting calls with xyz every 3 weeks

This can be especially helpful when you notice that you burn out quickly when it comes to hard topics. These give a good framework and help you to not put too little or too much energy into it. Set reminders to not forget about these goals!

Ask what you can do if you’re unsure

Some situations are super specific and it can be hard to figure out how you’re supposed to show up for someone. In that case it is totally okay to ask.
Cancel culture online has made it seem like everyone will reply to that question with the words “google it, I’m not doing emotional labor for you” but most people are open to telling you what they personally need and some are well-read enough on the issues they face to accurately outline how people can help on a larger scale. Just like with any other need in any other type of relationship: Take the guess-work out of it by simply asking or telling a person you’re lost.

Communicating boundaries is key

Picking up where we left off on the last point here, a big part of communication and protecting your own mental health is setting boundaries with yourself and others.
Boundaries should add to the quality of your allyship, not make you avoid it. Boundaries should also add to your mental health without turning into a form of escapism.
It is okay to tell others when something is too much for you mentally at the moment, but that you are still there in other ways if they want that.
Maybe heavy calls are too much for you, but you can offer distraction, for example.

It’s not a one & done thing

Only speaking out when it’s a big topic to support a minority creates the narrative that something bad has to happen to that minority for them to be supported.
Allyship is continued work. Being an ally isn’t just something that you are, it is a pattern of actions lining up with the goal to create equality and equity for minorities.
A black square does nothing if you don’t listen to anti-racist viewpoints.
A “we must do better” post means nothing if you don’t ask women how to do better yourself.
Just like posting about climate change does nothing if you don’t actively learn about personal and political ways to slow it.

Activism is action, not words.
Allyship is words backed by action.

We hope you learned how to be a good ally from this article and can expand even more on this topic in the future. Allyship comes in many different ways, we just wanted to boil it down to its core. If you want to learn more about anything mentioned in this article, please let us know.